Lance Bass has just come out. He is announcing he is gay. Wow. That was a fairly unneccesary announcement. When exactly did we think he was straight? So Lance Bass is gay. In other news, water is wet.
Long time no write huh? Well, it’s been a while since I last posted on this sorry little website. My last post was during the Oilers magical playoff run which unfortunately fell one game short of winning the cup. Then all of a sudden the ol’ P.dog disappears! Where did the Dog go? How many of you thought perhaps I took the loss excessively hard and was swinging on a rope in my fucking basement with “Hurt” (the Johnny Cash version) playing on endless repeat? No, no, no I am alive and well! However I now wonder what song you think would be a good song to hang yourself in the basement to. If you have a special song that you like to listen to as you rub rope around your neck or press blade against your flesh let me know. I may make a compilation disc one day of my favorite suicide songs. Radiohead’s “Creep” would be another good one to play as I sucked on a shotgun. Good times…I did in fact lock myself in the basement for a few days before I would accept the playoffs were over but then I did come out and SURPRISE the sun did come out! Stupid sun.
So yeah, it’s been a long time but I just simply have other things in my life that take up my time. Its summer time beeyatches, it’s too short and there is too much to do rather than sit at the computer typing stories about my sexual disfunction and tales of poo. But I have had people kicking my ass to post something…anything, so here you go.
So, what else has my sorry ass been up to?
Last week the Dog took the wife and kids to the local annual summer fair. Previously known as Klondike Days now rebranded as the Capital Ex. I myself was never big on the whole Klondike theme anyways even as a kid. Lame. It was always “The Ex” or more commonly “K-Days” to me. The Klondike theme was pretty nonexistent anyways. This leads me to an overheard conversation between two youths aged somewhere between 10 and 12 …
“So are you guys going to K-Days this year?”
“It’s not called K-Days anymore dumbshit”
“Oh yeah, whatever… Capital Ex or something now right? Same difference.”
“Nah, it aint same difference at all. Don’t be ignorant, live in the now! Hey, you ever wonder why they use to call it K-Days anyway?”
“Yeah, the K in K-Days stood for Karnival.”
“Nice!” laughter “Carnival starts with a C dumbass! Nice fucking try moron!” more laughter from kid, and the other starts to cry. Kids are so nice eh?
My boy (now 3 yrs old) had himself a blast though. Loved going on the rides. He got all greasy with a corn dog, wife had herself a footlong corn dog and I had the six dollar sausage dog covered in fried onions and peppers. It tasted fucking glorious! I had onion grease dripping off my elbow. My son learned a lesson about the glass house, don’t run. My wife had to poo 3 times. I guess the corn dog wasn’t so good after all. My young boy screamed all the way down the huge bumpy slide on my lap, just like I remember doing when I was a young fart. It was fun to start some of my own family memories at the fairgrounds as I have my own fond memories of growing up and going to Klondike Days with my Dad and sister. I recall the tradition of going every year and every fucking year Dad would get mind fucking drunk before we left our house because “the sauce is too frickin ‘spensive in th’ beer gardens.” But that didn’t stop dear old Dad from sitting us on the ground in front of some shitty country band (is there any other kind?) while he stopped in the beer gardens for some “adult pop”. I also remember him taking us on the giant ferris wheel and every year when we got to the top of the wheel he would point out a spot on the ride where it looked like a nut or bolt was loosening. “Hey, didjoo kids hear that squeaky shound? Looksh like tha bolts are comin loose. Hold on, I think tha ride ish breakin!” Ha ha funny Dad. Every fucking year, and I fell for it every fucking time! I also remember being told to “quit fucking whining” in the haunted house and if their was a ride that looked to scary for me he would ask “Wassa matter? You sum kind of fag or shomthing? Instead of K-Days maybe we should call it GayDays hey son?” Oh, oh and how about the time Pa got in a fight with a carnie. That was a fun day too. Ahh good times indeed. In Dads defense though if I had the kids he had, I would probably be an insane drunk too. And we always stayed until Dad had spent a couple hundred bucks to win my sister and I an armful of stuffed animals that he could have bought in a store for half the price.
More tales of my summer to follow including my camping trip in the mountains where I almost got eaten by a bear (true) and the story of when I accidentally got a skittle stuck in my peehole (not so true).
Love to you all,
Prairie Dog.
Listening to:
ZZ Top – La Grange
Theme from “Summer Place” – Percy Faith and his Orchestra
Just got back from a thrilling game 3 victory by the Oilers. At one point leading the game 4-0 it looked like it was going to be a laugher. However, the Ducks pulled out all the stops and it turned into a nerve wrecking 5-4 win. Dude, my throat is ripped to hell and I have a ringing in my ears. It hurts to swallow. I love it. Here we are up 3 games to zero. A chance to sweep the series on Thursday night and head to the final. I feel like I am living a dream right now. Unbe-frickin-leavable.
There was a special moment at the game that I would like to share with you. If you caught the Canadian national anthem on TV you know what I mean, if you were there in person you were moved and witness to a very cool Oilers hockey moment. This has not been done at an Oilers game before and I don't know if it was spontaneous or planned but the crowd had no idea it was coming, and it was beautiful. Click play on the video below to view. (Tip: After you click the video, pause it while the whole thing loads up and then watch it in full after it is loaded.)
Wow. So much has happened since my last post. No time to write, my life has been consumed by this years NHL playoffs. I have been attending all the Edmonton Oilers home playoff games, and catching all the away games in front of my widescreen. Man, this has been a wild ride so far and it can only get better. When I last wrote the Oilers were up 3 games to 2 against the President trophy winning Detroit Red Wings. Shows how important the president’s trophy is…Wings out in the first round. I get drunk, my throat gets sore. Oil move on to round 2 against the Sharks, a team that boasts the Art Ross and Rocket Richard trophy winners. Screw the Sharks, Fuck you Cheechoo! Oilers win round two in six games on home ice. I get even more drunk and I can barely speak. I can’t believe it! The Oilers are in the final four baby! I have been waiting a long time for this to happen! The western final has now begun. The Edmonton Oilers vs. the fucking Mighty Ducks? Are you frickin kidding me? Disney’s team against Canada’s team? Ducks don’t stand a chance, I don’t care if Emilio Estevez is the coach or not! Look at the teams we have beaten so far. Are you telling me that we are going to lose to the Anaheim Lame Ducks? No way Bombay! As I write this the Oilers have taken the first two games, on the road no less, and return to their home rink to play game three tomorrow night and move one game closer to sweeping the series. I love this game. I love this city. I love this team. I am having more fun than I can ever remember. I love the fact that it hurts to swallow now from all the cheering and screaming I have been doing in between beers. Let me put it this way…
The Oilers are 2 wins away from playing in the Stanley Cup Final. THE FRICKIN’ STANLEY CUP!!
Have fun with this Edmonton, it’s been a long time but Stanley will be returning to our sheet of ice soon. Last cup win was 1990. There were many years that had passed when we wondered if we would ever get this close again. Well here we are. Enjoy it. If you don’t already have one, go out and get your car flag and drive around with your fist pounding your horn. WE ARE GOING ALL THE FUCKING WAY BABY!! YEAAHHHH!
Oh, one more thing, if you have any family or know anyone in Calgary keep calling them to remind them of their first round loss to the Ducks and rub in how much fun we are having in the playoffs this year. Ask them if the flaming “C” on the jersey stands for “Choke”. Give them the old “Having a great time, wish you were here” routine. God knows we had to listen to enough of their shit for the last couple of years.
I will close out this post with some Flames jokes just because I do hate them so. I know you may have already heard some of these jokes before and that the jokes might be lame, but so are the flames so here we go...
What's the difference between the Calgary Flames and a cigarette
machine?
The cigarette machine has Players.
What's the similarity between the Calgary Flames and the Titanic?
They both looked good until they hit the ice.
Why doesn't Red Deer have a professional hockey team?
Because then Calgary would want one too.
What is the similarity between the Calgary Flames and a tea bag?
Today the Edmonton Oilers are ahead in their first round series with the Detroit RedWings 3 games to 2 with a chance to close the series at home. I have been at all the home games thus far and will be at game 6 tonight when hopefully the Oilers will kick the shit out of the Wings and then move on to a second round Battle of Alberta. I just want to tell you all that my throat is allready wrecked from all the screaming and yelling I have been doing at the home games so far and let me tell you, beer has not tasted this good in a long fucking time! In case you are not able to witness the games live, I am providing this video clip of the scene at Rexall place during the opening of game 3 when the home crowd broke the NHL decibel level record. I hope this gives you a taste of the insane shit you have been missing.
All I can say is "LETS GO OILERS, LETS GO!!"Its been a long time since I have been at a playoff game where we may have the chance to sing the "na na na na hey hey hey good-bye"song.
I am a coffee drinker. Big time. I don’t mean I like to have a cup of coffee, I am saying I need a cup of coffee. I pity the fool that tries to speak to me before I have had my first cup. When I have not had my morning joe, I have this odd compulsion to make random punching motions towards complete strangers, and strangle the people I love. I think I may have a slight addiction here. I usually wake up with a pounding headache and it worsens until I have poured some hot java down my stupid throat then it usually subsides. I love coffee. There is nothing like that perfect cup of coffee in the morning. It is like a warm hug. A warm hug from a naked Elisha Cuthbert. However I hate drinking shit. Not all coffee is created equal. Here are my top 5 and 5 worst cups of coffee just because I am sure you care. This list also may tell you a small bit about me as a person and as a coffee dude.
Top 5 Coffees
#1- Tim Hortons. Easy. No question. Number one with a bullet. The coffee has a distinct flavor to it that makes you close your eyes as you swallow. TH’s also has that special unique aroma as you approach the door and swing it open. Any day started with this coffee is a better day. No where else would I wait in line for a half hour for coffee. My only complaint is the size of the cups. The small is ridiculously small. I always order XL. What is up with that small cup? Who the hell wants a coffee shooter? Is that for people who want to buy a coffee for an action figure? Sizes aside, this is the first choice for me for my coffee on the way to work.
#2 – McDonalds. Yes, surprise! McDonalds actually has a really good coffee. Aromatic and it makes you say “...mmm…” after a taste…unlike the rest of their sorry menu.
#3 – My Father in Law’s Coffee. A fellow addict, he always has a fresh pot brewing. It is tasty enough to make a visit to the in-laws almost pleasurable.
#4- 7-11. The working mans coffee. Big ass cups, cheap ass prices. Good shit. Hey that would be a good slogan for them to use! If anyone from 7-11 is reading this go ahead and make a poster to advertise this new slogan in your store “Big ass cups, cheap ass prices. Good shit.” Just be careful which pot you pour from. The other week I accidentally poured myself a cup of “banana-blueberry cream” I realized my mistake after it was too late. What a surprise that first sip was. That fucked up the rest of my day. Fucking gross.
#5- The pots I would make at home when I was in college. I would pull all nighters as I did reports and essays. I would drink several entire pots of coffee by myself in an evening. It must have been good, I drank enough of it. I also remember my shit used to be pitch black. Sounds healthy huh?
The 5 Worst Coffees.
#5- The previously mentioned “Banana-Blueberry cream” coffee that I mistakenly had one rotten day at 7-11. No need to talk of this bad idea any more.
#4- Starbucks. I never buy Starbucks. Too trendy and hip for me. There is just too many male ponytails in the same room at the same time. I know that Starbucks is popular but for me they are too popular. These places are the opposite of a place like TH’s. I prefer the place where the lineup at the counter consists of guys in their dirty work clothes and work boots. And what is with all the extra shizznit that Starbucks is selling now? Are there seriously folks going out for a coffee and buying a board game to play at the table while they drink their $14 latte? Bullshit! “I’d like to buy a $14 latte, an Enya CD and the deluxe edition of Cranium.” Are people really saying things like this at the counter of a coffee shop? I don’t even know how to order coffee in this place. Is this right, ordering a “Tall” means small? Why don’t they try harder to fuck me up? Is small, medium, large and XL too difficult? Or are they too good for traditional sizes? Fuck that. I hate, no I REALLY HATE when I order a coffee and the clerk (who is clearly dying of some disease unbeknownst to him) asks me what kind of coffee I would like. As Dennis Leary once eloquently put it “I want fucking coffee flavored coffee!” Ok, listen Starfucks, its 7 in the fucking morning, I just want some caffeine in my system, I just want something to drink, and I don’t want to read 10 different flavor descriptions… “Bold yet light with a nutty aroma…” Shut the fuck up and get me a coffee motherfucker! You want a nutty aroma; I’ll take a shit on the counter! Fuck Starbucks and everything they stand for.
#3- My Moms Coffee. First off she has pink mugs. So you are fucked right off the bat. There is no way coffee can taste right in a friggin pink mug. So, after dinner at her place she asks if you would like coffee. You think that’s not a bad idea so you say sure. She then goes over to the pot half full of coffee that was left over from that morning and pours you a cup and sticks it in the microwave. That is when I change my mind. “What? Its only from this morning, I’ll warm it up for you”. No thanks lady. I hate microwaved coffee. I can’t believe Dad ever wanted to fuck you.
#2- Timothys Coffee. It has that awful burned taste. It tries to pass itself off as a trendy coffee shop but only barely succeeds in passing itself off as a shithole. Coffee tastes burned and for some reason the place smells like recent unlubricated anal sex.
#1- Anyplace that serves Mother Parkers Coffee. Worst coffee ever. I can’t even swallow that crap. I can’t even bring the cup to my lips without gagging. It smells like early morning piss and tastes like goat semen
.
Listening to:
Headstones – Reframed
My Chemical Romance – Honey, this mirror isn’t big enough for the two of us.
Commentary: