Sunday, March 19, 2006
Coffee Talk
I am a coffee drinker. Big time. I don’t mean I like to have a cup of coffee, I am saying I need a cup of coffee. I pity the fool that tries to speak to me before I have had my first cup. When I have not had my morning joe, I have this odd compulsion to make random punching motions towards complete strangers, and strangle the people I love. I think I may have a slight addiction here. I usually wake up with a pounding headache and it worsens until I have poured some hot java down my stupid throat then it usually subsides. I love coffee. There is nothing like that perfect cup of coffee in the morning. It is like a warm hug. A warm hug from a naked Elisha Cuthbert. However I hate drinking shit. Not all coffee is created equal. Here are my top 5 and 5 worst cups of coffee just because I am sure you care. This list also may tell you a small bit about me as a person and as a coffee dude.
Top 5 Coffees
#1- Tim Hortons. Easy. No question. Number one with a bullet. The coffee has a distinct flavor to it that makes you close your eyes as you swallow. TH’s also has that special unique aroma as you approach the door and swing it open. Any day started with this coffee is a better day. No where else would I wait in line for a half hour for coffee. My only complaint is the size of the cups. The small is ridiculously small. I always order XL. What is up with that small cup? Who the hell wants a coffee shooter? Is that for people who want to buy a coffee for an action figure? Sizes aside, this is the first choice for me for my coffee on the way to work.
#2 – McDonalds. Yes, surprise! McDonalds actually has a really good coffee. Aromatic and it makes you say “...mmm…” after a taste…unlike the rest of their sorry menu.
#3 – My Father in Law’s Coffee. A fellow addict, he always has a fresh pot brewing. It is tasty enough to make a visit to the in-laws almost pleasurable.
#4- 7-11. The working mans coffee. Big ass cups, cheap ass prices. Good shit. Hey that would be a good slogan for them to use! If anyone from 7-11 is reading this go ahead and make a poster to advertise this new slogan in your store “Big ass cups, cheap ass prices. Good shit.” Just be careful which pot you pour from. The other week I accidentally poured myself a cup of “banana-blueberry cream” I realized my mistake after it was too late. What a surprise that first sip was. That fucked up the rest of my day. Fucking gross.
#5- The pots I would make at home when I was in college. I would pull all nighters as I did reports and essays. I would drink several entire pots of coffee by myself in an evening. It must have been good, I drank enough of it. I also remember my shit used to be pitch black. Sounds healthy huh?
The 5 Worst Coffees.
#5- The previously mentioned “Banana-Blueberry cream” coffee that I mistakenly had one rotten day at 7-11. No need to talk of this bad idea any more.
#4- Starbucks. I never buy Starbucks. Too trendy and hip for me. There is just too many male ponytails in the same room at the same time. I know that Starbucks is popular but for me they are too popular. These places are the opposite of a place like TH’s. I prefer the place where the lineup at the counter consists of guys in their dirty work clothes and work boots. And what is with all the extra shizznit that Starbucks is selling now? Are there seriously folks going out for a coffee and buying a board game to play at the table while they drink their $14 latte? Bullshit! “I’d like to buy a $14 latte, an Enya CD and the deluxe edition of Cranium.” Are people really saying things like this at the counter of a coffee shop? I don’t even know how to order coffee in this place. Is this right, ordering a “Tall” means small? Why don’t they try harder to fuck me up? Is small, medium, large and XL too difficult? Or are they too good for traditional sizes? Fuck that. I hate, no I REALLY HATE when I order a coffee and the clerk (who is clearly dying of some disease unbeknownst to him) asks me what kind of coffee I would like. As Dennis Leary once eloquently put it “I want fucking coffee flavored coffee!” Ok, listen Starfucks, its 7 in the fucking morning, I just want some caffeine in my system, I just want something to drink, and I don’t want to read 10 different flavor descriptions… “Bold yet light with a nutty aroma…” Shut the fuck up and get me a coffee motherfucker! You want a nutty aroma; I’ll take a shit on the counter! Fuck Starbucks and everything they stand for.
#3- My Moms Coffee. First off she has pink mugs. So you are fucked right off the bat. There is no way coffee can taste right in a friggin pink mug. So, after dinner at her place she asks if you would like coffee. You think that’s not a bad idea so you say sure. She then goes over to the pot half full of coffee that was left over from that morning and pours you a cup and sticks it in the microwave. That is when I change my mind. “What? Its only from this morning, I’ll warm it up for you”. No thanks lady. I hate microwaved coffee. I can’t believe Dad ever wanted to fuck you.
#2- Timothys Coffee. It has that awful burned taste. It tries to pass itself off as a trendy coffee shop but only barely succeeds in passing itself off as a shithole. Coffee tastes burned and for some reason the place smells like recent unlubricated anal sex.
#1- Anyplace that serves Mother Parkers Coffee. Worst coffee ever. I can’t even swallow that crap. I can’t even bring the cup to my lips without gagging. It smells like early morning piss and tastes like goat semen
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