Monday, October 18, 2004
Volume 3: 99 Reasons to Fuck Off
You know who I am starting to get sick and fucking tired of? Wayne Gretzky. Blasphemy you say? Blow me. Before I continue, this is coming from a good Edmonton boy, long time Oilers fan, long time Flames hater. I even own a 99 Oilers jersey. But the fact is he is becoming one supremely annoying pissflap. The following is granted: yes he is the best hockey player to play the game, great role model for kids, a great ambassador for our city and to the sport. But enough is enough already. It’s not enough that his fucking mug is pushing Pepsi, Ford, Esso, and who knows what else now? And his own clothing line? Seriously, I ask you, what does scoring 50 goals in 39 games have to do with the fashion industry? Not a damn thing! Yes, he could set up his wingers for the one-timer like no one else but that is as relevant as a new Nelson album. (What the hell was with Nelson anyway?) I’m surprised they are not selling Wayne Gretzky blow up dolls so all the blind mice men can dry hump the Great One at will. (“I’ll give you a one-timer in the slot big boy!”) You can’t even see the name Wayne Gretzky without a company logo beside it. Corporate whore.
Secondly, what is with team Canada’s Gretzky worship? First of all, he has homes in L.A. and Phoenix. He is about as Canadian as arrogance and apple pie. You love your country so much, make a commitment you twit and buy a house here! Shitbag! You all saw the Olympics and the recent World Cup win by Canada (what was that trophy? It looked like half the players were embarrassed to lift it up during the celebration.) Anyway, after every Team Canada goal, who did the T.V. camera cut to? Gretzky in the crowd. Not the player who scored the goal celebrating. After every win, who gets all the press and interviews? Gretzky. Not the guys who actually played the game and had a say in the outcome. So Canada wins the World Cup and Wayne gets all the credit for essentially picking an all-star team that I’m sorry, is a job anyone could have done. No offence, but Gravel could probably pick a good Team Canada and he knows about as much about hockey as Wayne knows about fashion. Come on, it would be an easy job, easier than beating Tommy Chong and Jessica Simpson at Celebrity Jeopardy. So anyways, Gretzky is the perfect man for the job and deserves all the credit for the win even though he has not played a single shift in over 5 years (except for the Heritage Classic old-timers game, where he was outscored by Marty McFucking Sorley for crying out loud!) Then he has the nerve to be front and center in the team photo at center ice after the game. Sorry dude, but you have no right to be there in that photo you fucking douche bag! Clap your hands, say “Way to go guys!” be happy, but keep your glory hogging ass in the crowd, and let the players who accomplished this have their moment. For shit sakes, let them have a fucking 99-free moment! He looked like a complete spotlight humper in that photo. Have you not won enough in your career to take a back seat for once? For those who are not in the know about things of this nature, GMs do not take part in this photo. They never have. This is for the people on the bench and in the dressing room. Not for suits who sit in the stands.
People always say how much he has done for hockey in the U.S.A. The trade from the Oilers revitalized interest in hockey in L.A. (which ended precisely the moment he got traded away from the Kings) and as a result we got teams in the Sunbelt; Anaheim, San Jose, Dallas, Florida, Phoenix etc. One problem genius, we don’t need teams there cocknose! What has Mr. Canada done for teams in Canada? Aside from 15 years ago when he played for one, he has done fuck all. Unless you count picking the best Canadian players to play in a lop-sided, meaningless tournament (which if you’ve been reading, I don’t count.) And now he is part owner of the Phoenix Coyotes. Of course. That just seems like a natural fit. Yeah, like Steve Buscemi and Brittany Spears. Doesn’t seem to fit does it. Now the rumor is out that he would like to give coaching a shot. Like he just woke up one morning and told his “actress” wife (hard to call her an actress as actresses have to act) “Hey, maybe I can coach my team. Why the fuck not? I’m Wayne Fucking Gretzky! Maybe if I piss in a glass it will turn into wine! If I freeze my shit it will become chocolate! I’m Wayne Fucking Gretzky!” Wayne, please stay out of coaching. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are a coach all of a sudden. Pretend that thought never entered your mind. Let it be. Leave some dignity on your legacy. Just sell soft drinks, MacDonalds, and Fords if you must whore yourself out to make ends meet because I know times must be tough for you financially. But don’t hire yourself to be a coach doomed for eventual failure.
Please Wayne, stop being such a dink and get out of my face for a little while so I can stop being so sick of you. And the Nedved signing was the last straw. Fuck you! (And Wayne, if you are reading this you know I am just joking. I am full of crap. I talk out my ass. This is all bullshit for funsies, just to make the people laugh. I love you and think you rule and I would like you to send me an autograph please and thank you. Please reach me at www.kissmyass.com)
Till next time, I remain…
…Prairie Dog
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