Prairie Dog's Dryhump

Monday, November 1, 2004

Volume 4: Anal Seepage

I am in a random mood right now so this edition of the Dryhump is a collection of random thoughts from the mind of the Prairie Dog. I call it…

Prairie Dog's Anal Seepage

• Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Or the masturbating farmer?
• Porn. What’s with the fascination of girls peeing? Is this new? This aint your daddy’s porn. Guys, this is not sexy. She is expelling waste from her pissflaps, quit beating off to this sick shit.
• I wonder what deaf people think when they see someone dancing.
• Escalators. Someone ranted to me recently how she hated people on escalators who just stand there like it’s a ride and don’t move their feet. Well you know what Assbag? It is a ride. Fuck you! Why the hell do you think it moves? It moves so you don’t have to. If you are so energetic then take the fucking stairs! Fucking shopping mall athlete.
• Do stormtroopers ever practice shooting? They have the worst aim in the universe.
• I knew this record would someday fall. I heard recently that the world record for the distance milk sprayed out of a person’s eye was broken. The new record is something ridiculous like 3 ½ feet! Have you ever heard anything more disgusting? Milk being squirted out of a guy’s eye? And just in case having it simply dribble out of your eye wouldn’t be gross enough he can spray it 3 ½ feet! Wow. This guy must be a hit at parties and also must be very single and alone.
• When you take a piss why are you always expected to wash your hands after? What about your dick? Shouldn’t you be washing your dick? That’s what just got piss sprayed out of it. Who ever gets piss all over their hands anyway?
• Think about this. It’s a fact. Every 8 minutes, somewhere in the world, a man is dryhumping his pillow.
• You know what commercial used to bother me? Remember the Taco Bell ad, where the talking dog is in a taxi and he says to the driver “Hey, cant this boat go any faster?” Hey, get out and fucking walk then if you are so damn fast! You don’t even have a car, useless clit! Nothing I hate more then dogs without cars making fun of other people’s cars. Stupid fucking talking dogs!
• I recently decided to get into shape. What? Circle is a shape.
• Isn’t it funny when you see an ambulance involved in a fatality accident?
• There are not many sounds funnier than a wet pussy fart. (Although wet dog farts are close)
• What’s with French cut green beans? I’ve never seen English cut beans. What does French cut mean? Does it mean the beans are not washed? Hey-ohh!
• When a guy says ‘blow me’ and ‘suck me’ he means the same thing even though the two should be opposites. But no one ever says, “Give me a suck job!”
• Poor NHL players. They wont negotiate a salary cap. They say they should be paid whatever “the marketplace demands”. Well right now, the ‘marketplace’ demands that you sit at home and make nothing shithead. Poor starving NHL players. You hear that sound? That’s the sound of me not giving a flying fuck about you millionaire motherfuckers.
• I like it when a child falls off a bike and cries. No reason, I just think it’s cute.
• I like it when an elderly person falls on a slippery sidewalk and shits their pants. No reason, I just think it’s cute.
• Men are powerless against cleavage. Ladies please do not hate us for this. It is beyond our control. We need to look. Anytime we catch the slightest glimpse of cleavage in a room we need to stare. Trust me, if our own fathers had cleavage we would sneak a peek.
• Fuck ladybugs! Allright! Just fuck’em!
• The next time I’m around someone and they ask to use the phone and I ask them who they are going to call, and they reply ‘Ghostbusters’ I swear I will kill them.
• Same goes for the next ‘comedian’ who literally calls me a cab. You are not clever. You are a dink.
• Why do people pay to go to an air show? Planes fly in the sky. Looking up into the sky is free. I don’t get it.
• Sometimes when I have free time, I think and wonder how hard it would be for me to be able to kill a loved one who came back from the grave as a zombie bent on eating my brain. It would be tough but I would have to do it. Guess who has too much free time.
• There are not enough specialized porn mags out there. What about us guys who have unusual fetishes like stretch marks and elderly midget women being fucked with frozen pieces of shit. Perverts are people too!
• New CBC shows this fall: CSI Moosejaw, Survivor Manitoba (every time I visit Manitoba I come home with fresh scars on my wrists), and Royal Canadian Air Farce Best of Special (It would only run 5 minutes)
• I caught myself masturbating to Salad Fingers again. Bad Pdog! Bad Pdog!
• For the first few days, do the fish in the tank think the treasure chest is real?
• Do dogs ever feel like humping ‘human style’?
• Weird to think that at some time your mom was hot. Remember, whoever you are, that your mom used to get wet for your dad. She was hot. I don’t care who she is, if she is a mom, then there was a time someone wanted to fuck her. Good for her. Good for your mom.
• Blind people walking around outside freak me out. I would not let anyone I know walk on Jasper Ave with his or her eyes closed with only a stick to lead the way. Cant they just stay home? Seriously, they freak me out. P.S Blind people, how do you know when you are finished wiping your ass?
• Wouldn’t it be fun to run up behind an old man downtown and clock him on the back of the head. Then after as you offer to help him up say “sorry I thought you were my dad”
• In soap operas nobody says good-bye on the phone. They just hang up. Also they never watch T.V. or take a shit.
• Ever start chewing on your fingernail and later realize that you ate your entire thumb?
• Whenever I meet someone for the first time I always wonder what’s the weirdest thing they ever masturbated to?
• I have never in my life heard a dog say “bow wow”
• 5 pop culture catch phrases that are no longer cool to use and have caused the Pdog recently to tear various people new assholes: “show me the money”, Rain man impressions, “You are the weakest link”, “shaggadelic baby!” or any number of Austin Powers lines, and “WAZZUPP!” If you hear anyone use these slap them for me. Say it’s from Prairie Dog.
• Interesting, your Dad was a mother fucker. Literally.
• Scrappy Doo was a dink.
• Things you never see; A line up at Arbys.
• Another thing I don’t understand about porn. What is the turn on of a chick giving a chick with a strap on a ‘blow job’? Who is this arousing? I’m afraid you will be sucking for a long time honey. Stupid porn dunce. What is she trying to accomplish? What’s worse is that somewhere out there right now there is somebody beating off to a picture of this. (Ok, it’s me!)

I hope you enjoyed wading through my anal seepage. If you enjoyed it, then Prairie Dog thinks you are cool and that there may be something very wrong with you. If you did not enjoy it, then you can rest in the knowledge that you are mentally stable and an upstanding member of society. Oh and you can also go fuck yourself. Hugs and kisses…

Prairie Dog.