Monday, January 31, 2005
Volume 7: What I Learned in 2004
It’s a new year. Hello 2005, goodbye 2004. What does the New Year mean? Not much really other than needing to buy a new calendar. (I am torn between getting the Anna Kournikova calendar and the free one from the bank with pictures of Saskatchewan) It is also a time when many people look back at the past year. It was a year where I learned a lot. These are some of the things I learned last year:
What Prairie Dog Learned in 2004
- I learned that after a handful of beers my friend Scott can beat me in a spontaneous jumping over picnic tables contest. Cheers to your win Scotty! I’ll get you next time.
- I learned just how hard it is to fit a cue ball in my mouth. I actually had a doctor call me a “retard”.
- If Jason Rouse is ever playing Yuk Yuks and you do not get easily offended I recommend you go.
- Adam Sandler was not actually a finalist for the titular role in Passion of the Christ.
- If you are a rich slut you can be famous. See Paris Hilton.
- If you are best friends with a rich slut you can also be famous. See that other girl…wassername.
- I learned that I live in a sad world where the most talked about news story of the year was Janet Jackson’s right boob. I guess she wanted to prove that her brother was not the only tit in the family.
- Gwyneth Paltrow is a bad mom. C’mon she named her baby daughter Apple for fuck sakes. When I was a kid we had to be creative to try to find ways to make fun of other kids and make jokes about their names. Now the kid’s names are the jokes. What a stupid name. I can just picture her future siblings; Grape and Cucumber.
- I learned that my shit does indeed stink.
- I learned that Rosie O’Donnel is really a lesbian. I also learned that she is a female!
- McDonalds new coleslaw tastes like pee.
- I learned that Tara Reid does not have a brain in her head. Oh my goodness, did anyone else catch that train wreck? How do you not notice when your scarred tit falls out of your dress? What a fucking dunt. I am almost ashamed to admit I ever masturbated to her. (Note: Dunt is defined as a dumb cunt. Go ahead and use it.)
- Donald Trump is an ass.
- I learned that Green Apple Vodka is good. Oh so good.
- I still don’t know what a “safety dance” is but I still want to do it.
- www.onion.com is hysterically funny and should be checked every week.
- I still want to throw up every time I see a photo of Prince.
- Apparently, it turns out; I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.
- I learned that I still don’t give a fucking shit about American / Canadian Idol. I hate all those stupid fucking douche-bags on that show and I hate anyone who feels otherwise. Hate! Hate! Hate!
- Ashlee Simpson is a ground breaking artist whose influence over music will be around a lot longer than you or I. Actually no, I am kidding. Both she and her stupid sister suck shit out of a straw planted deep inside a budgies ass.
- After getting my teeth cleaned, my dentist does not give a “happy ending” even if you flash a $20.
- I learned that women don’t like jokes about wanting to have sex with their friends and sisters. I also learned about Wisers great tasting whiskey.
- I learned that in a pinch a pool cue can make for a fairly effective weapon. I also learned about Wisers great tasting whiskey.
- I learned that the words fuck, shit, piss, cock and cunt are considered very offensive to some and that they should not be said in certain circumstances. Again, I also learned about Wisers great tasting whiskey.
- I learned that if you are going to strip Iraqi prisoners and humiliate them by making them pose in sexual positions and sodomize themselves with pickles you should NOT take photos! Wow. What a story that was. Remember the photo’s of the goofy American smiling for the camera standing beside a pile of naked hairy Iraqis simulating sex at gun point? Who the hell are these photos for? You can’t show anybody. Is it for the “Look, I’m a demented fuckhead” scrapbook you are making when you get home? Ah, good times…
- Doughnuts are not cock rings.
- I learned that someone thought it would be a good idea to make a Growing Pains Reunion TV Movie. The reunion no one asked for. Why make it? To answer the age old question; if a lame TV show reunites for a special and no one watches it, does it still suck?
- I tried a donkey burger. I learned that they taste like Ass.
- I found out exactly what I would do for a Klondike bar. The cops were not impressed.
- Sometimes “no” really means “no.”
- I learned just how thankful I was that “Friends” is now over. Year after year “will Ross and Rachel get back together?” You know what? After a while who fucking cares anymore? Myself, I would maybe give a shit if Phoebe and Rachel hooked up but other than that scenario I could fucking care less. Go fuck yourself Ross, you dinowanker.
- Three of the funniest shows currently on Television are Reno 911, The Daily Show and Arrested Development. They are three shows worthy of my 30 minutes.
- Somewhere along the line NHL players have completely lost touch with reality.
- I learned that I am ineffective as an operator on a suicide prevention hotline. That gig did not last long. I always felt if you don’t even like yourself then why should I give a crap. My favorite lines to angrily shout over the phone when some fucking hopeless pathetic shitwipe whines to me how “my life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted” are “Join the Fucking Club! Cry me a fucking river, you useless pussy! Life’s hard, get a fucking helmet! If you can’t take a little adversity in your life then grab a rope and swing motherfucker just don’t waste my time!” Tad harsh maybe? Perhaps.
- Somewhat related I learned that slicing up and down is more effective than side to side. Just a little pointer to anyone out there who may be overly depressed.
- For my money, Green Day released the best album of last year and possibly the best album in recent memory.
- I learned that I can’t fly. I learned this the hard way. I actually had a doctor call me “a dumb ass.”
- Elderly people don’t like being scared.
- I learned that the bar we used to hang out in when we were younger is a depressing dump of despair. Looking back it’s hard to believe we actually ever had any fun there.
- I learned that downloading files from unknown sources with titles like “fart porn”, “Tina Three-fister” and something called “Frozen Fecal Fuckers” without virus protection on your computer is a bad idea and can cause serious harm.
I hope you all learned something last year as well. Now let’s kick the shit out of 2005.
Prairie Dog.
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