Tuesday, March 1, 2005
Volume 9: 25 Worst Movies
This was just done for fun and off the top of my head. Just for shits and giggles. Now realize this list is VERY personal and subjective. These are simply movies that in my opinion sucked and I hated enough to consider them among the worst of the worst. Of note, I did not include Plan 9 From Outer Space or any Ed Wood movie. Plan 9 is commonly thought of as the worst movie ever and it very well could be. But I own a copy and it’s awful, damn awful but that is the main appeal of the fuckin thing! It sucks so much that it needs to be seen. On my list are movies that sucked so much they should not be seen. Just for fun here we go, in order of increasing shittyness:
MY TOP 25 WORST MOVIES
25 – Being Human – Little seen Robin Williams yawn inducing flick. Quiet, slow, and dull. You are never sure where this is going and it is watchable at times as you are waiting for something to happen. Nothing does. Then it’s over. Then you go home wanting to punch the fucking balls of yourself for stupidly wasting 2 hours like that!
24 – I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – Also possibly the stupidest movie title of all time. I admit the first one was all right, even though it did not make much sense. The sequel, despite having Jennifer Love Hewitt running around in a bikini, is just horrible. It makes even less sense then the original. Anyone remember the ending to the first one? Well the sequel didn’t. It pretends the ending didn’t happen. I hate when sequels do that. Worst part of the film – Freddie Prinze Jr still does NOT DIE!! By the way, I hate him. For some reason I just hate the shit out of him. I want to kick his ass until he coughs up an odor eater.
23 – Speed 2 – The first speed was a perfect example of an all out action movie with developed characters and continuous action that every audience can enjoy. Speed 2 is a perfect example of a movie that says ‘hey what the fuck, the first one made money’. The movie lacked the sense of speed that the first one had. This is essential because, well because it’s the name of the fucking movie shithead! Even Keanu said no to this reel of puss.
22 – Batman and Robin – Apparently now Robin gets equal billing as Batman. George Clooney stepped into the now unrecognizable Bat suit at the wrong time. What is with the anatomically accurate Bat suit now anyways? We do not need to see Batman’s nipples nor do we need to see the outline of his package. What the hell? Who’s idea was that and why? Seriously, what the fuck? Arnie as Freeze, I don’t know if I can remember acting much worse than here, bad acting even by his standards. The action scenes don’t even save this film. And the effects were surprisingly bad! Of note, during the climax after Gotham is frozen with ice, someone closes a car door and the large icicle sticking on the door bounces up and down obviously made out of rubber. Didn’t the director notice this shit? I did and it looks awful. The movie looks like it was rushed to cash in on Batman’s box office popularity. Too many characters here. Batgirl? Completely unnecessary (and over-clothed). Flat villains and Arnie’s one-liners are just groaningly terrible. This stinker is likely the worst superhero movie ever made and effectively killed the franchise.
21 – Double Impact – In this acting tour de force Jean Claude Van Damme plays two roles. Twin brothers. You can tell them apart because the evil brother smokes. This movie is ridiculously stupid as is this cunts whole career. You can replace this with any one of his carbon copy movies if you want. Look at the video boxes to all his movies; notice the fronts of the boxes are all the same. So is the inside. Fact: when I saw this filth in the theatre I turned to my friend beside me and said, “this must be the big climatic fight scene coming up where his shirt is going to get ripped off.” Sure enough. Lame. I’ll say it again, lame. Van Dammit!
20 – Pretty Woman – All females will probably stop reading this now because they are pissed off at this movies inclusion. Sorry, this movie sucked big time. Total chick flick. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen chick flicks that were okay and even moderately enjoyable but this bullshit hooker/Cinderella story was too lame for me to handle. Fuck Richard Gere too. I hate this son of a bitch for some reason.
19 – Deep Blue Sea – This movie contains some of the worst and most obviously digital special effects I have ever seen in a big Hollywood film. The effects were definitely not special. This movie looks like it was directed by Ed Wood. Unbelievable scenarios, unbelievable dialogue, unbelievably bad. One more thing, how come the sharks keep changing size? At times they are as big as a boat and yet other times they can swim down hallways and rooms half filled with water without being noticed. Movie did have balls though by killing off its star halfway through. However this scene was done so poorly the intended effect was not achieved. The audience is left shaking their head muttering ‘stupid’.
18 – Slapshot 2 – The fact that the sequel tarnishes the name and legend of the original Slapshot, one of the greatest movies ever, makes me regard Slapshot 2 even worse. Oh man, I cannot remember a movie ever making me so angry before. Please, I beg all of you, if you have not seen this movie and you have some curiosity, please, PLEASE for God’s Sake do NOT rent it! Rent Slapshot instead and enjoy your evening.
17 – Loser – I feel like a loser admitting that I saw this dull piece of excrement. We snuck into this for free and I still felt ripped off and I wanted somebody’s money back. Blah.
16 – Freddie Got Fingered - I will admit in small doses, Tom Green can be handled, even somewhat enjoyed on TV. I will also admit in his movie I was strangely intrigued with the beautiful sight of him delivering a baby, biting through the cord, and swinging the newborn around the room by the umbilical cord. I am after all a sick fucker. But come on is it necessary to have scenes where he beats off a horse AND jacks off an elephant to the point Rip Torn gets covered with pachyderm jizz? No, this is never necessary. What the fuck?!? I will not say this is a stupid movie because you knew it would be going in. That much is obvious. But I was even surprised at just how bad it was. Long stretches of looking at the clock are memorable as you wonder “where is this going?” Believe me, the answer is ‘nowhere’, in case you are lucky enough to not have seen it. One more thing, Rip Torn. What are you doing here? It was sad seeing him showing his bare ass. Poor bastard. He deserves better.
15 – The Truman Show – Popular movie, award nominations, Golden Globe winner I believe. But you know what, I thought this movie was overrated, over hyped, and over stupid. Personally, I just did not get it. It was a ridiculous idea and film that we were expected to take seriously. I couldn’t. I must say I enjoy Jim Carry more when he is not crying in his movies. Grab a tissue Jim and stop crying! Shit, are you going to do a Patch Adams remake next? Quit bawling in your films and resume talking out of your ass!
14 – Philadelphia – Another award winner. I fucken hated this fucking movie! I could not wait for Tom Hanks to finally die! Wooh that sounded harsh. By the way, me not liking this movie is not because the character is gay. I am not gay bashing here, who you fuck is your own business. Unless you fuck me out of $8 to watch an excruciatingly boring movie! Don’t get me wrong, I do have some feelings and sympathy, but Tom Hanks character caught AIDS from having unprotected anal sex with a man in a gay porno theatre. Sorry. It’s his own fault. The sympathy stops there. Besides his character was a lawyer right? That activity in a theatre sounds sort of illegal and he should have known better. End of story. One of the few movies I have actually nodded off during.
13 – House Guest – Has anyone ever actually laughed at Sinbad before? I didn’t think so. What a tool. I would like to force Sinbad to eat his own shit. And poor Phil Hartmen. I saw this film because I liked Phil, and he was the best part of the movie other than the feeling I had when it was finally over. Here is my note to filmmakers – things in movies are not made funny just because they are played in double time. This is an over used and very ineffective, annoying gimmick. Stop it.
12 – Indecent Proposal – True story, when I saw this swill in the theatre I actually blew an audible raspberry at the lame ending. What can I say, my girlfriend at the time thought I was an insensitive asshole. Good call. The whole concept was a stupid unrealistic scenario, which, I am sorry, would never happen. After this came out hypothetical conversations between couples, whether they would let their spouse screw Robert Redford for a million dollars, were common. Don’t waste your time. I have a funny feeling he could get women, better looking than “Joe Blow’s wife”, to sleep with him for free. Besides, if they were truly in love Woody would have flattened Redford’s face and the option would not have even been considered.
11 – Howard the Duck – Was George Lucas doing a lot of drugs in 1986? He must have been high on crack to allow himself to be associated with this lame duck. Nothing else needs to be said. Quack, quack…click click BOOM!
10 – Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Next Generation – The original Chainsaw Massacre is one of a handful of films that truly scared the bejeezus out of me as a kid and created images in my mind that haunted my dreams for years. This stinky turd of a movie whether intentional or not came of to me as a wretched unscary unfunny parody. As with the sequel to Slapshot, this film tarnishes and makes a mockery of the original and hurts its legacy. It should have not been made. It made no sense, it had no point or flow and it was 84 minutes of my life wasted that I want back.
9 – Stay Tuned – Lame idea for a movie. Husband and wife get sucked into demonic satellite TV and become part of the shows. This maybe could have worked as a SNL style skit or maybe at MOST a STUPID half hour sitcom (that would have been cancelled after its first season anyway). But NOT as a feature film. I had an awful time watching this celluloid cocksnot. Inserting a Q-tip into my pee-hole would have been more fun than watching this shit.
8 – Cruel Intentions – I don’t know, this movie was a bit too much ‘something’ for me. Not quite sure what that ‘something’ is specifically, but this ‘something’ caused me to loathe this movie. Watching this film made me think “hmm, it would be fun to put a knitting needle in my ear right now.” Film was fairly hard to believe (yeah slightly), I found Geller’s acting to be particularly atrocious, and the ending unsatisfying. Also, for a movie that is basically all about sexual decadence there is an obvious lack of gratuitous nudity. Very disappointing. Saving this film from being ranked even lower on my list is the Sarah Michelle Geller, Selma Blair, full on, close up, girl on girl, deep, open, wet French kiss. C’mon I am a guy after all.
7 – Jury Duty – A new low in comedy. This cinematic shit stain is an awful comedy even by Pauly Shore standards. This means it is really, really bad. Just thinking about this film fart right now makes me long for the comedy of Tom Green and elephant cum (original and side-splitting in comparison to this crud). I have this recurring nightmare that Green and the ‘weasel’ will someday team up in attempts to create the worst movie ever! Please God No! (with special appearance by Carrot Top… NOOO!)
6 – Jason X – At some point, someone was thinking about making the tenth chapter in the Friday the 13th series. This person was looking for a new angle to make it seem fresh. I imagine it went like this… he closed his eyes, took a long toke, opened his eyes, and said “I got it (dramatic pause) Jason in space…” His writers who were also stoned said, “whoa man, cool.” Then they went to work. 15 minutes later a final script was written. They had to be fucking high! Did anyone see this? Jason X may well be the worst “horror” movie ever made, and I use the term ‘horror’ very loosely here with not a single scare in the entire thing. I had seen this thing in the theatre with an old friend with whom we had grown up with these slasher movies. I had a free movie pass and we thought it would be fun to go see Jason on the big screen almost as a joke, as we were well aware this would be stupid and yes probably suck. There were maybe 3 other people in the theatre so we were able to give a running commentary on how much it sucked. At the start of the film Jason is in captivity held by chains and it is said that ‘Jason is unkillable by all methods attempted, firing squad, electrocution, so the best they can do is to contain him.’ What the fuck! Ten chapters and no one thought to cut off his motherfucking head? Shit, cut off his fucking arms and legs too and toss them in a wood chipper for crying out loud!
5 – The Bodyguard – Kevin Costner mails in another deadpan emotionless effort. This movie has no point other than it being an obvious vehicle to make Whitney Houston a film star and to show yes she can hold a high note as she plays… wait for it… a SINGER! If you are a fan of her song stylings and want to hear her vocal range on ‘I will always love you’ then fine (freak) go and see it. If you are a fan of good movies, then don’t.
4 – Sister Act – This piece of fluff got on my nerves big time. I don’t even want to talk about it. I hate Whoopie. Go back to your center square! But it is not just her, I would have still hated this movie if instead of Whoopie Goldberg, the part was played by a topless Allysa Milano. Ok you are right, I’m a pervert, and I would probably own it on DVD.
3 – Boys and Girls – it’s a long story about how I ended up seeing this sorry fucking movie and I am not going to get into it. Bottom line, I saw it, it sucked. Loud sighs of boredom were often released from my lungs at the disbelief at just how obvious this picture was. It was the pure definition of a film sticking to formula with a capital F. This was ‘When Harry Met Sally’ for kids minus characters you gave a shit about and minus any attempt at comedy. Here is some advice to any filmmakers out there. If you bill something as a comedy, put something funny in it. Throw me a fricken bone here! Like I said it was pure formula, you knew exactly what was going to happen because you have seen it all before. I am also Freddie Prinze Jr’s biggest anti-fan in case you don’t know. I hate this cocksucker.
2 – Dirty Dancing – On behalf of guys everywhere, as Butthead would say, this movie sucked more than anything that has ever sucked before. Come on, please, this film is just ridiculous. It is the crème de la crème of shit. Come on ladies be honest. You can’t honestly say you love this fucking movie can you? It is the most superficial throwaway bag of garbage I have ever had the displeasure of laying my fucking eyes on. You know how this film could have been better? Well for starters, it is called Dirty Dancing. Lose the PG rating and make it dirty for shits sake. Cast an attractive actress other than Miss Bignose and lets get down!
1 – Bad Lieutenant – Holy Shit was this film hard to watch. I could not help myself from using the fast forward button at times to help move this movie along from its snails pace. Seeing full frontal Harvey Keitel, crying, with his penis displayed for all to see… is never a good thing. What the fuck is up with the scene when he pulls the two young girls over and beats off at the window while saying “you ever suck a guys cock? Suck that fucking cock; suck that fucking cock you fuck. Now show me that fucking ass, suck that fucking cock…” Could that scene be any longer and a little more unnecessary please? Who wrote this shit? Shakespeare? I can be as sick as the next guy but this was too much even for me. And the topper, scenes of nuns getting violently raped, spliced with shots of Jesus on the cross crying and later Keitel swearing harshly at Jesus who had appeared in front of him in church were even way to blasphemous and unnecessary for my taste. This is one movie I truly wish I had not seen and can honestly not picture anyone actually enjoying it. PS. Harvey, put your dick away, I don’t want to see it and trust me, that scene was not very flattering.
There you go.
Number one on my silver screen shit list. Now go watch something good.
Until next time I remain… The Mother Fuckin Prairie Dog
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