Friday, October 28, 2005
Volume 12 - Sights of the Inner City
My day had taken me into the inner city. I have not been in this area for a while. I had almost forgotten how entertaining the people watching could be in this neighborhood but I am quickly reminded. I made a wrong turn and am forced to backtrack through an ally. Here’s what I see. There is a man drunk as all hell. The kind of drunk that is so extreme that the word “drunk” no longer applies. I am talking beyond drunk. This dude is right fucked up. You know, fucked up so you can no longer walk. It is barely 9:30 in the morning. I decide to stop and watch for a while. This could get interesting. He is holding something in his hand. I wait until he stumbles a little closer. I now see what he is carrying. He is holding a bag of wine. You know, the clear bag of wine that comes inside boxed wine.
On a side note, I have always found boxed wine hilarious. I really like those people who think they are classier than you because they prefer wine with their meal over a can of beer, and then they pull out their cheap fucking box of Hockfuckingtalier. Fuck those people and fuck their cheap shitty wine. Box of wine. Wannabe pompous cocksuckers. Fuck the lot of ‘em.
Anyway, the pathetic soul leans against a wall and pulls out the wine bag and takes a swig straight from the bag. (You gotta love those classy winos hey? Much better than those dirty whiskey drinking bums. The classy bums drink wine from the bag) He then puts the cap back on the bag and stumbles forward continuing his morning stroll. He walks aggressively now and with a hint of violence under the surface. He shouts “FUCK OFF CUNT!” to no one in particular (and for no apparent reason) then begins to croon a few lines of “Cryin’” by Aerosmith. Wow, he sounds just like Steven Tyler! Not! I cant believe how hilarious this is!
He slurs “I washh Cryyyin when I’s left ya’s…. Now I is tryyyin to forgetssh youssshh” Then he violently looses his footing and crashes into the wall of a building. Damn, it looks like he hit his head pretty hard. He gets up and here is where things got kind of weird.
“Ahh fuck thish shit” he groans as he undoes the front of his pants. He pulls out his dick and pulls the cap off the bag of wine. He points his rod into the open bag and (I am serious here) begins to piss. There is fucking piss everywhere, there is piss streaming into the bag mixing with the wine, there is piss all over his dirty fucking hand, there is piss running down onto his dirty fucking pants and spilling on and around his feet. I whisper “what the..?” as this is getting more messed up than I could have imagined.
So fuckface finishes making his improvements to the bag of wine lifts it to his face and looks at the bag with a look of accomplishment. He mumbled something I could not hear but it must have been funny because it made him chuckle. Then (for some strange fucking reason I will never ever, ever, ever, underfuckingstand) he pours a small bit of the wine on his dick which is still being held by his other hand. Apparently this is hilarious to him because he laughs out loud uncontrollably. He has to lean against a dumpster to keep his balance as his laughter continued to grow. Quickly then without seeming to think he puts the bag to his lips and takes a small sip as he was chuckling. All I can whisper now is “no fucking way!” He pulls the bag away from his mouth now seemingly aware of what he has just done and falls to his knees peuking all over himself. Ok, that’s it. I’ve seen enough. Time for me to go. As I start the vehicle up and start to drive away I see my little lush pulling himself together and continuing to walk down the ally. The front of his plaid shirt now covered in vomit and still carrying the bag of piss-wine in his hand. He did not empty the bag out; for some reason he had actually returned the cap onto the bag and carried it as he walked. I am trying hard to understand but I think this is probably one of those things best left not understood. I drive away confused and amused.
As I drive towards neighborhoods more familiar to me the song “Cryin” by Aerosmith coincidentally comes on the radio. I laugh. I turn up the song as the visual image of Wally the Wino returns. I drive along wondering if I had actually seen what I think I did. Crazy shit is afoot in the inner city my friends.
Commentary: