Wednesday, February 8, 2006
Volume 13 - The Party Guests
The following are general descriptions of the usual cats that would be present at a typical house party back in my high school years. Those years are long gone now, but the memory remains. This is a cross section of those that would be in attendance at any weekend drinking party back in the day. How many do you recognize? And which one is you?
- The Hungry Man. This guy would always be the one who would suggest taking a drunken hike to 7-11 for a 3am burrito or a greasy pizza sub. Periodically during the party this guy will disappear. You will eventually find him at the fridge making a sandwich and eating all the pickles.
- The guy who never brings his own beer. Coincidentally this is also the same guy who always seems to get the most pissed every time.
- The Comedian. This guy is legitimately funny when he drinks. No, he is hilarious. He becomes creative and comes out of his shell after a handful of drinks. Tons of fun listening to this guy go off.
- The Lunatic. This guy is different from the comedian. This guy is crazy as fuck. This guy isn’t witty, this guy just goes nuts. He is the guy pretending to fuck the dog in the ass in the corner of the room shouting “Hey youse guys! Look at me!!” Funny, but in a more obnoxious way.
- “Just Pretendin”. This guy isn’t drunk. He doesn’t even really drink. But he wants everyone to think he does. So he sips one drink all night and pretends he is drunk. He has never actually been drunk so he does not know how to act. He giggles and comments repeatedly how “he is really feeling it tonight” This guy can be more annoying than the Lunatic.
- The Problem Drinker. The complete opposite of “Just Pretendin”. This guy likes to drink and always overdoes it. He shows up at the party already drunk and it shows.
- The Stupid Girl with the Big Tits. Yup, she was there. Terrible to talk to, fun to look at.
- The Asshole. There comes a time when he comes up with the great idea “Hey lets go out and get in a fight!” No pal, you go ahead asshole. I never understood this guy, and have no time for these shitheads.
- Cry Guy. Always ends up in a puddle of tears. There are few things in life that feel as unnatural as comforting your drunken male friend while he cries in your shoulder for no apparent reason.
- The cute girl you want to fuck but she has no idea and just likes you because you are funny and a good listener. Usually ends up making out with your best friend at evenings end. Then you become the Cry guy.
- PeePee Guy. After this guy gets drunk, his penis always makes an appearance or two. He would flash it at a chick, or when he jokingly would tell a dude to “suck my dick” he would present it and shake it in the dudes direction showing he meant it. Never really was a big fan of this guy. Maybe because his dink was bigger than mine.
- The guy who always seems like he just broke up with his girlfriend. Yea, he is fun to hang around.
- The ugly girl. Not just the ugly girl, the ugly girl with the hot friend. The ugly girl liked us. We didn’t like her. But we always invited her to the parties because she would always bring her hot friend. None of us ever got with the hot friend but I think a few of us tapped the ugly girl.
- The Closet Case. Looking back now, it’s funny how we really had no idea how gay this guy was. He would always suggest weird things like “Lets take our shirts off and wrestle…” or one time suggested that we take a shower together “just for fun you know” He also had this idea that we should pretend to make out to try to trick everyone. No thanks. I’m getting another beer.
- The Buddy. When it’s all said and done, he is the one you hang with for most of the night. The best parts of the night are spent in his presence.
- The Guy Who Takes Things Too Far (GWTTTF). He is a combination of the Lunatic and PeePee Guy. Where the Lunatic will pretend to fuck the dog, and PeePee Guy will harmlessly dangle his dong, the GWTTTF will pull out his cock and actually press it against the dog and threaten to fuck the dog for real if we don’t succumb to his demands of going for a walk somewhere where we can “burn something.”
- The Foreign Kid. He was kind of like our version of Fez from That 70’s show. No one really knew what country he came from and come to think of it no one really liked him. But for some reason he was always there at all the parties. He also didn’t mind us teasing him a little so that was cool.
- The Guy Who Doesn’t Drink. Hey man, thanks for all the rides home.
- The Guy with the Fuzzy Little Moustache. He had a little bit of facial hair. It looked awful, but he looked older and he could boot for us so there you go. He is invited for sure.
- The depressed guy who commandeers the stereo at the end of the night. He plays the same song over and over. No dude, I do not need to hear Love Song by Tesla again. 14 times in a row is enough.
- Annoying Pop Culture Guy. For me it was the guy who would quote all the current catch phrases from SNL all night long. “Schwing!” “Isn’t that special?” “We are here to pump (clap) you up!” and “Rob-man, the Rob-inator, making copies…”
- Needs to Get-Off dude. Always proclaims at the end of the night “Let’s go get some PUSSY!” He needs to ejaculate and he will. He doesn’t care what he ejaculates into though. At this point he will fuck anything that moves. Even some things that don’t move. He doesn’t care if he humps a cheerleader or a crease in the couch cushion. Bottom line, he’s fuckin something.
These are a handful of the folk that would be gettin' hosed with me on any given Saturday night back in the day. If you recognize one of these as yourself thanks for being part of the party. Take care mofos!
P.D.
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